Tag Archives: Lucia

Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?

As a lawyer I am very familiar with the ‘clean break’ theory that is trotted out when discussing divorce but obviously when one had children, providing all is well with both parties, then this is just not possible, financially or personally.

So where does that leave the grown ups? In general, and as far as can be expected, my relationship with my ex husband regarding Lucia is pretty much based on reading from the same hymn sheet. However since she lives with me and he moved an hour and half away there are some decisions that I make for Lu that aren’t going to go in his favor but realistically someone will inevitably lose in situations like this on occasion.

I have no interest whatsoever in my husbands life, beyond his relationship with Lucia. Of course his health is important to me as he needs to be able to look after Lu but we aren’t friends, it isn’t how he wants the relationship to work despite my suggestions and that is fine – kind of. Being honest, I still find it odd that he can walk out on me after 14 years and feel ok about throwing all that history and shared experiences away, but each to their own.

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A few weeks after my ex husband left

But (isn’t there always a but?) recently my ex husband’s girlfriend of 4 years broke up with him. This was further complicated by the fact that he lived with her and her two young children. This of course had a knock on effect on Lulu which of course had a knock on effect on me. When did life get so complicated? That my ex husband’s break up should effect me in any way is ridiculous but of course Lulu was very upset as her dad was moving out of the house she stayed in with him, his home. Also the fact that she wasn’t going to see her dad’s girlfriend’s children anymore all added to making her feel very unsettled and I was left picking up the pieces. Through gritted teeth mind, muttering “for fucks sake hasn’t this six year old had enough disruption?” grrrrr. Next came Lucia’s expectation that now her father was single he would be moving back in with us. She was utterly heartbroken when I explained that wasn’t going to be happening as that wasn’t what her father wanted. Lucia’s distress and the tears she cried while I cuddled her broke my own heart all over again. It truly feels so bloody unfair.

 

Everywhere I am there you’ll be

I had an awful dream this week. I was about four months pregnant and my waters broke and I knew that I would lose the baby but I went about my everyday life. Not able to accept the inevitable but being so so sad as I knew it was hopeless and the loss felt overwhelming. I thought if I can keep the baby inside me everything will be okay and none of this is real.

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Didn’t think she would make it through the night, day 5 after she was born

And the reason this was so realistic and horrible is because I had lost a number of babies before I was luckily enough to have my daughter, Lucia. With each of those pregnancies I got a little further along before the sonographer said ‘I’m really sorry I can’t find a heart beat’. When I was pregnant with Lucia my waters broke at 28 weeks and while I thought ‘oh, how lovely we will be able to take our baby home later today, earlier than planed but hey ho’, Not able to accept that really it was unlikely she would live and really I thought that this was just another pregnancy that was a little further along than the others and that realistically I would probably have another number of miscarriages before we actually managed to carry a baby to full term, ridiculous huh?.  As if that is how it works, that you get a bit further along each time you are pregnant until you hit the magic 40 week mark. But my 28 weeker did live, nine week in intensive care and then we could take her home,

With miscarriages, or in my experience anyway, once you are told your baby no longer has a heart beat you can wait for ‘nature to take its course’ and expel the baby or you can have an operation to have it removed. They do these ops on specific days of the week so you carry your dead baby inside you for at least a few days. These are only really options with early miscarriages. I know this sounds disturbing to some but to me I wanted to keep my baby inside me as long as possible, keeping it safe. I didn’t drink during my pregnancies but when I knew the babies had died I could have a drink if I wanted but the act of swallowing that first sip of wine felt so final, that when I took that sip it was acknowledging that the baby I was carrying was dead.

And then this week, a few days after my dream, a Facebook memory popped up of me at a cousin’s wedding a few years ago (see main picture). It was a few days after I had found out I was pregnant with my first baby and I was so thrilled. Little did I know that a few weeks later I would be in A&E bleeding and then a few weeks later being told ‘I’m really sorry…’.

Maybe subconsciously I had remembered that this time of year is the anniversary of my first pregnancy, I don’t know, but it made me feel sad. I always feel sad when I think of my lost babies, it make me weep, that never changes. The passage of time has enabled me to be able to not wake up crying even morning, to not cry every time I see a new born baby in the street, but the intensity of the pain in my broken heart doesn’t change however it no longer stops me in my tracks.

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The day Lucia came home after 9 weeks in intensive care

I wholeheartedly believe that having Lucia has helped me deal with my grief hugely. I am grateful every day that I am lucky enough to have her, she isn’t a replacement for my lost babies, but for me I knew that the only thing that would help me after losing my babies was to have a baby in my arms. This isn’t the same for all people, I know this. I wanted to try and get pregnant again as soon as I had physically recovered from the operations but my ex husband was reticent, he thought I needed to psychologically recover first but I was desperate, I wanted/needed a baby. Getting pregnant was never a problem, usually happened with in the first two months of trying. Keeping them alive inside me was the problem. I found great comfort in the people and forums on social media I encountered who were going through  the same thing. Whenever someone got pregnant you wished them luck and hoped that they had a #stickybean.

So, am I feeling nostalgic as a friend has commented? yes, I think I am, but not in a ‘wasn’t that a wonderful time, if I only I could relive it’, but in a ‘goodness wasn’t that a painful time in my life, and my, it still hurts now.’ I will be mindful of my self, look for signs that I am getting depressed and address them should they appear. But right now I am just a little wistful, wondering what the babies would have looked like, missing them and grieving them still, as I shall always do.

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Now its just Lulu and me, her daddy left when she was two. She is my hope, my reason and my love. xxx

I just want you for my own, more than you could ever know

Oh my darling Lucia, we have just spent your 5th Christmas day together and it was a privilege. You were so excited about Santa’s visit that you barely slept on Christmas Eve, which of course means neither did I, thanks for that!

I was up until 1am wrapping your presents, listening out for your little footsteps in case you appeared in the living room and all the magic was lost. But you managed to stay in bed asleep until 3am so I filled your stocking and left it on the end of your bed and snuck off to my bed hoping for a good rest before the fun and games began on Christmas morning. But it was not to be and 3 am rolled around too quickly.

I haven’t been feeling very well at all these last few weeks which is why I have been a bit tireder than usual and walking bit slow that usual. I have been trying my best to keep it from you, I don’t want to tell you am sick again because I don’t want you to worry but I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to play with you. I am trapped in an impossible situation.

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After your Barbie Dream House was constructed yesterday, 3 hours – thanks to your dad for delivering it un built!! – you asked me to play but by that point I was literally on my knees with pain and exhaustion, lunch had been cooked and eaten and I fell asleep on the sofa, the pain in my legs woke me up and there you were with nanny, happily playing with your toys. “Play with me mummy” was the refrain of the day and I kept saying ‘ later darling, I have to cook lunch” ‘later daring, I’m a bit tired’ and you looked so crest fallen, you were so patient, I prayed for time to go faster so it would be time for you to go to bed and I could stop refusing you play time with me. I never want to wish away our time together but I didn’t know what to do, we put on our pyjamas and got into my super king bed and you watched youtube toy reviews while I cuddled you and I silently cried while you sat on my lap, it was the worst day of parenting I have ever had, I let you down, I wasn’t the parent you deserved, luckily I have a streaming cold so you thought I was just sniffling as usual.

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You are so precious and amazing and I couldn’t give you the thing you deserved and needed, my undivided time to do with me as you wished. That is the real price I pay for having a chronic illness. It’s not the lack of ability to have a social life, its not the frustration at the endless pain I cant control, its not the fear of a liver transplant, its the fact that I cannot be the mother you, my child, needs and deserves. I can never have that time with you back again and all you will remember about this year’s Christmas day is that I didn’t want to play with you. As the time passes I hope that is not the thing that stands out, let it be the big tacky dolls house with ALL the sound effects, please.

Lucia, I love you so very much, more than I can express, there is no one else I would like to send my time with. As you left with your father this morning to have Christmas with him, my heart broke and I wanted the time back again, I want to be well, I want to play Barbies with you.

If you go down to the woods today

I am not a naturally outdoorsy person by any stretch of the imagination but now that we have the puppy and we live in the countryside I do try and make the effort to go on some long walks.

My current favourite place to visit is Wendover Woods, it helps that it has a little cafe so I can stock up on coffee before heading into the unknown. Coffee is a wonderful incentive if you ever want to get me to do anything.

A few Sunday’s ago, when all three children were staying we had our usual breakfast of pancakes and then off to the woods we went. They much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the youth but they soon got over it. After all the English countryside is so beautiful, especially during the season changes, who could resist? I wrote about the gorgeous summer bluebells earlier on this year.

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Refreshments purchased.

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Coffee in hand, crunchy leaves and dungarees. Perfect.

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Very enthusiastic puppy.

Wendover woods currently have a really great Autumn Trail to follow and each sign tells you a little bit about the wildlife at the moment and what to look out for. We weren’t entirely successful but it kept at least Lucia busy and interested.

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Conker shells, but no conkers, damn.

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We found the mushrooms.

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Just because it looked so unique.

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These little balls of plants reminded me of the stone trolls in Frozen. I may have watched Frozen one too many times.

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Such gorgeous colours.

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The weather held until just before we left thankfully.

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No woodland adventure would be complete without a little bit of muddy puddle jumping and potion stirring.

My week in pictures

Monday

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Went on a trip to the Natural History Museum with Lucia’s school.

Tuesday

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Visited Wycombe Hospital who clearly have a ‘clean’ thing going on.

Wednesday

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Embracing the last of the summer sun.

Thursday

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Some lunchtime PhD study. Cheery stuff huh?

Friday

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Had a little trip to Amersham Hospital.

Saturday

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Got my ass in gear and actually blogged.

Sunday

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Found my perfect dungarees at Fatface.

My week in pictures

Monday

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Lucia had her first guitar lesson, at 8am on a Monday morning! And it was ‘Talk like a Pirate Day’ at school so she went as a princess, obvs.

Tuesday

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I sweated non stop at Lucia’s swimming lesson.

Wednesday

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I visited the lovely ladies at phlebotomy.

Thursday

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I made a start on my PhD, on the train to work, during my lunch hour, on train home and after Lucia went to bed.

Friday

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Took Livia the Dachshund and Finn the Chihuahua to collect Lucia from school. They get loads of attention and they are always so excited when they see her.

Saturday

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We celebrated Livia the dachshund’s first birthday. Any excuse for cake in my house.

Sunday

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Hibernated while enjoying this gorgeous candle. Oh, how I love Autumn.

All the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey

I adore Autumn, it is just so autumny. The colours of the leaves changing to gold and browns and red, the crisper morning air, the anticipation of Christmas starts to build and I won’t lie, the fact that it gets cooler is a great draw for me. After all I shaved my head a few weeks ago because I just couldn’t get cold. I am looking forward to it being cold enough to light the fire in the living room, I’ve started using candles more often and falling asleep to the sound of rain is so nice.

September also signals the start of the academic year so Lulu has gone onto Year 1 at Primary school and I have started my PhD, having had to postpone from January this year due to silly illness.

So now I have been getting involved in lots of lovely autumnal activities

I made a pumpkin pie with a brown sugar and nutmeg party crust and topped with caramelised pecans and gold leaf.

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I made my very own pumpkin spice latte, mmmmmm.

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I bought lots of gorgeous pumpkin scented candles and my house now smells completely amazing. My favourite is the Pumpkin French Toast.

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I bought a beautiful sparkly silver pumpkin that makes me smile every time I look at it.

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I enjoyed the last of the blackberry picking with Lucia and the puppy.

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