Sounds incredibly selfish doesn’t it? But goodness the Saturday before last was amazing. You can tell how time gallops away from me, as I actually wrote this on said Saturday but didn’t manage to actually post it. Lulu’s father collected her in the morning and took her off to ballet class and then kept her overnight which meant that I had eight whole hours to myself. What should I do with the abundance of time? Go shopping? Meet friends? Go out for Brunch? No,no,no. Stay in my pyjamas, read magazines and give myself a manicure yes, yes, yes.
I imagine that I suffer from the same mixed emotions regarding free time that I think everyone does. Should one run around and do all the things you never have time to do during the week? Go to the Post office, pop into the bank, get some keys cut, pick up some shopping at the supermarket or simply stay at home and relax. Whichever one you do there is a down side. If you run around you feel you have robbed yourself of time to yourself and if you relax you feel guilty, that you have somehow wasted your precious time by not doing the jobs that continue to need doing. This line of thinking normally results in a sense of guilt, what ever you choose to do. I genuinely believe that guilt is one of the main components of the human condition and I am trying very hard to release myself from the vicious circle of guilt. Doing what I feel I ought to do, instead of what I would like to do, and then feeling very resentful is not a good head space to be in.
Recently my levels of exhaustion have reached almost epic proportions, in the last few weeks I have cancelled three evening meetings because I knew that I just wouldn’t be able to concentrate or stay awake. I try my best to be reliable as I don’t like to let people down but I have learnt to listen to my body. Finally, after lots of not listening or purely ignoring the signs. If I don’t listen I end up rather poorly and am then no good to any one, and most importantly am no good to baby Lulu who is my priority in everything that I do. I hit this wall of tiredness recently for no apparent reason and my plans went out the window. In the midst of this I thought I’d broken my wrist, the hospital agreed, then they decided I had fractured it and then they decided I had strained the tendons. Then they decided that, as I had been experiencing a lot of pain in my knees and joints, I needed some tests for arthritis. I’ll let you know how it goes. Anyway, on that Saturday afternoon I reveled in doing nothing, alone in the house, recharging and re centring myself. I was brought up as an only child and as such I find spending too much time with people feels like my senses are being over stimulated and i need quiet alone time to re calibrate. To some people this may sound selfish but for me it is necessary. And I accept that, I don’t punish myself for it and I am learning not to feel guilty about it.